This couple (fictional names for privacy) endured constant tension, found it impossible to resolve even small disagreements, and had grown resentful due to unmet emotional needs. Through exercises focusing on “bids for connection,” they practiced recognizing and responding positively to each other’s attempts for attention, affection, or support. They also learned “soft startup” methods when raising concerns, minimizing defensive reactions. Over time, the couple reported fewer explosive conflicts and greater emotional intimacy. Their sense of teamwork improved, and they felt more connected on a daily basis. The simple act of shifting how they initiated conversations—combined with recognizing each other’s emotional bids—helped rekindle warmth and affection.

Alyssa and Mateo struggled with communication styles rooted in different cultural backgrounds. Mateo tended to avoid discussing tough issues (a form of stonewalling), while Alyssa would often raise concerns abruptly, leading to escalating conflicts. The Gottman concept of “physiological self-soothing” and taught them to identify signs of “flooding” (when one or both partners feel overwhelmed). They scheduled “conflict management breaks” during heated moments to allow each partner to calm down before returning to the discussion. By learning to recognize early signs of flooding, Alyssa and Mateo prevented many of their arguments from spiraling out of control. Over time, they also learned to use humor and gentle language to de-escalate tension. They now describe their marriage as “more balanced and respectful,” with each partner feeling heard.

Sam and Anita felt they were living “parallel lives.” They were cordial but disconnected, going through daily routines with minimal emotional sharing. They attended a “Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work” weekend workshop, which introduced the concept of “love maps”—getting to know the internal world of their partner. They also worked on the “gentle startup” technique and practiced small acts of appreciation daily. After a few weeks, Sam reported that Anita felt more present and engaged; Anita shared that Sam’s frequent acknowledgments of her efforts around the house increased her sense of being valued. They both noted more laughter and closeness overall —essentially, they felt like “teammates” again.