How to Truly Listen to Your Spouse: A Christian Therapist's Guide

Adapted from a talk by Sam Wasfi, LMFT, in the Marriage and Family Life series at St. Paul American Coptic Orthodox Church, Irvine.

Listening sounds simple. We communicate with people from the moment we wake up until we go to bed, so we should all be experts. Yet when couples come to therapy, the most common thing they tell me is: “We’re here to work on our communication.”

Much of what follows may sound like common sense. Practicing it is another matter. Real listening asks a great deal of us, especially when the stakes are high: in our marriage, with our children, and in our closest friendships.

Why listening is so hard

Christ diagnosed the problem directly. Quoting the prophet Isaiah, He said that people would hear and not understand, and see and not perceive, because their hearts had grown dull (Matthew 13:13–15).

In other words, listening is a matter of the heart. When we struggle with selfishness, judgment, criticism, or contempt, we can’t be fully present with another person. Contempt, which means judging someone while looking down on them, is especially destructive. Dr. John Gottman’s research identifies it as the single strongest predictor of divorce.

Apathy does damage too. Every time my spouse speaks and I’m not really paying attention, it’s a drop in a bucket. When the bucket fills, trust is lost. The other person feels dismissed, unimportant, and unloved.

Start by seeing your spouse as an icon of Christ

If we want to become good listeners, we start with a radical conviction: every person is created in the image of God. “So God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him; male and female created he them” (Genesis 1:27).

My wife is an icon of Christ. My young daughter is an icon of Christ. When I’m dismissive or disrespectful toward them, I’m dishonoring that icon.

This is also where our true sense of worth comes from. As Christians, we hold two truths together: we are deeply flawed, and we are deeply loved, bought with the blood of Christ. A person who can hold both is grounded. And a grounded person can listen without needing to defend themselves.

Listening is an ascetic struggle

To truly listen, I have to empty myself. I set aside my own ideas, my need to be heard, my need for reassurance, even whether I’m hungry or what I have to do tomorrow. That’s why listening is a spiritual discipline, the kind of practice we might take on during a fasting season and keep for a lifetime.

Christ modeled this attentiveness. In a pressing crowd, He noticed the one woman who touched the hem of His garment. His heart was fully present to the person in front of Him.

Stay in the discomfort; don’t flee and don’t fix

When someone shares something painful, we enter their world without knowing what we’ll find. Imagine a friend who asks to meet for coffee and tells you he’s just been diagnosed with cancer, lost his mother, and lost his job. You can’t fix any of it. What’s required is to be with him in it.

That’s what vulnerability means: a willingness to be wounded. It’s uncomfortable, and many of us, especially husbands who never learned how to sit with difficult emotions, want to escape. When a wife shares deep grief, such as the loss of a pregnancy, a husband who can’t tolerate that pain may flee emotionally or bury himself in work. Learning to stay, lovingly and humbly, is something we practice in small steps, in good times and hard times alike.

When we do it well, people often say, “Thank you, you have no idea how much this meant to me,” even though we “did nothing.” We didn’t solve the problem. We offered presence, and that was the gift.

Ask, “Do you want me to listen, advise, or discuss?”

Avoid interrupting, assuming, defending, arguing, and advising. Advice is the hardest one for many of us.

In my own marriage, I’ve asked my wife to tell me up front: “I’d like to vent,” “I need your advice,” or “I want to discuss something.” If she just wants to vent and I offer three solutions, I haven’t helped. Some problems, like a difficult personality at work, can’t be solved. They just need to be shared.

If you’re a natural problem-solver, try saying it playfully: “You know how my mind works. I’m already in problem-solving mode, but I sense that’s not what you need right now.” Then let go of your ideas, however brilliant, and simply attend. When someone is hurting, it’s too early to solve anything. Once they feel heard, they’ll often come back and ask for your ideas.

Listen for the emotion, not just the facts

Suppose I tell you that getting the kids ready for church took forever, and then I had a flat tire on the way home. If you respond with a parenting book recommendation and a suggestion to get roadside assistance, you’ve missed the point. What I wanted you to see was: I’m really struggling.

A response like “Wow, you had a really hard morning. Tell me more” captures it and opens space for connection.

Years later, we rarely remember the exact words of meaningful conversations, but we remember how they made us feel. When someone shares something with you, your job is to understand their emotional experience. Don’t change it, fix it, or cure it. Understand it, then put that understanding into words: “That sounds terrifying and embarrassing. Is that what it was like?” Then step further into the discomfort: “Tell me more.”

Restate before you respond

In a formal debate, before one speaker answers, they first restate their opponent’s position and ask, “Did I get that right?” Only then do they respond.

Couples rarely do this, and it’s why so many arguments include the words, “That’s not what I’m saying!” We assume we know what our spouse means and defend against it. Restating it first ensures you’re both talking about the same thing. It also requires the same humility: setting your own assumptions aside long enough to truly hear the other person.

When the conversation is high-stakes

When there’s been repeated hurt and you’re walking into a conversation you know you disagree on, prepare your heart first. If you’re approaching your spouse thinking, “You’re irresponsible and immature,” the conversation won’t go well. Pray: Lord, help me see the icon of Christ in my spouse.

Then set a clear intention: “I want to understand why this matters so much to you. Let’s not try to reach a decision today.” Understanding comes before problem-solving.

Frequently asked questions

What if my spouse doesn’t know whether they want advice or just to vent?
That’s common. Attend to them anyway. Set your own agenda aside, listen for what they’re feeling, and gently check in: “Would it help if I shared some thoughts, or do you mostly need me to listen right now?”

I’m a natural problem-solver. Is it wrong to offer solutions?
Not at all, as long as the timing is right. Let your spouse feel heard first. Solutions offered too early feel like dismissal. Solutions offered after understanding feel like support.

Can couples therapy help us communicate better?
Yes. Communication is the most common reason couples seek therapy, and it’s very learnable. In my work, I combine the Gottman Method and Emotionally Focused Therapy with a Christian understanding of marriage.

If you and your spouse keep having the same conversation without feeling heard, you don’t have to figure it out alone. Learn more about my Christian marriage counseling and couples therapy, or call 949.954.0756 for a free 20-minute consultation.